makz survives the apocalypse

My friends are mostly doing well.

Specifically, I have several friends now who are running their own small businesses. They both have business partners, although in one case, the partner is overseas for the foreseeable future. Somehow, they're holding it together, even though all of us live in expensive cities.

I know I am in an enviable position in that I have a job with a 401k and health insurance and have no room to complain about anything, but there's a small part of me that's terribly jealous. I would love to be able to chart my own destiny to that extent, but I also know that I don't have the personality to weather that much uncertainty. I know that, because I always have the option, in my industry, of going freelance, but have no intention to do so whatsoever, even once I have a lot of experience under my belt.

My company would have to lay me off again for me to consider it, and I think I've more or less proved that there is utility in keeping me around, at this point. (I did think that was true the first go-around, but…)

It was so funny, when it happened — when I was laid off last year. I kept thinking that I was in my Construction Worker The Origin Char era. "I'll just mess around on Earth until they inevitably call me back." It's a pretty egotistical way to think, but there aren't that many people who both can do the full range of things I can do and are already familiar with the company processes. I do about five different types of work for this place.

If they hadn't called me back, I might have jumped industries completely… I learned that I have enough contacts to do that sort of thing, too. Although thankfully I didn't have to throw away all the work I've done up until now and learn a whole new specialization.

I'm having fun at work. I got approved for more overtime, and I'm excited about it.

It's hard for me to know how much work is too much. Now that I'm in the position I currently occupy, most of the people who do the same things as me are "on" for weeks at a time without a day "off" and then take a week or so off in-between gigs. I'm working normal work-weeks while not on site. We're all trying to figure out — both me and my bosses — if that's the kind of schedule that suits me, or if I should adjust in one direction or the other.

I'm a little worried about my schedule for the rest of the Spring, but I should know what my tolerance is by Summer.

I hope my friends have found their rhythm. It's probably impossible to accurately judge another person's tolerance, especially if you have trouble judging your own.

I'm not writing as much as I'd like lately (either fiction or life notes), but it's just that my mind is preoccupied with work.

I'm very excited to see all the new photos from the Artemis mission. When I was a little kid, my grandparents had a coffee-table sized atlas of the world which included an atlas of the Moon. Looking at the Earth and Moon, I felt that I'd never come to understand the Everything of it All. Children, who are still learning everything and doing new things every day can be excited by that Not Knowing, but adults are pretty much always afraid of it. As we gain more ability to understand, I think we might end up with more Fear, and now that we live in a very information-dense society, we might gain that Fear earlier and earlier in life.

I don't know how it is for younger people. I think there was more hope in the world back when I was born, as the Cold War was ending and Mr. Gorbachev was tearing down that wall… (Ah, the guy who said all of that… That guy is to blame for a lot of that hope disappearing…)

The Not Knowing of seeing the Moon is a calming kind of Non-Knowledge. Human beings can't live in space. We can only live on this planet, with its fairly unique atmosphere and its abundant plant life. "Ah, I have a place, and it's a place I share with everyone I'll ever know, and everyone I'll never know, alike." That's what you can feel looking at the Earth and Moon as an adult, I think.

As a little kid, you're not afraid of Not Knowing, because the things you've learned have mostly been pleasant. There are more pleasant things than unpleasant ones, but before you Know that, you don't understand that the unpleasant ones stick out in your memory more… That's one reason that I felt so frustrated and lonely while unemployed, even though I never doubted that I'd get called back to work eventually. Those unpleasant things I Knew overshadowed all the pleasant things I'd come to Know.

And under capitalism, what good is the pleasure of Knowing things if you can't use that Knowledge to make money?

Kids don't think like that, and they're happier for it.

But my friends and I are somehow making it work in these big expensive cities, where there are all sorts of pleasant and unpleasant things that you can come to Know. You can learn new things every day, under the watchful eyes of the Sun and Moon.

And the guy who's destroying all of the hope right now is also just a guy. No one is immortal and nothing lasts forever. All I can do is be grateful that the worst possible thing didn't happen yesterday, and hope that the worst possible thing keeps not happening. That's the hope that's still lingering around at the moment, under the light of the silvery moon.